So, would you prefer the “Eye” test, or the “I” test? But that’s a trick question; you’re scheduled for both. Don’t worry, though, if you fail it only hurts for eternity. I’ll give you a crib-sheet for both exams, and don’t worry about that; they’re both open-Book tests.
So here’s the complete skinny, the straight dope, the inside story:
First, the “Eye” test, and it starts in front of a mirror. What do you see? Is that mirror-image God’s gift to the human race, as in the photo above? Or do you see all the faults, both big and little? (Hint: Both extremes fail this question.)
Next, we move to the man/woman on the street portion. How do you see the people around you? Are you glad you’re not them? Or do you wish you were them? Do you feel satisfaction when they look to you with appreciation? Or do you wish you could hide? (Hint: Both extremes fail this question, too.)
Finally, we switch to the showroom, and the particular product on display doesn’t matter. Do you want that shiny, new Mercedes-Benz SL500, knowing your fine-running Rover will catch a good price? Is that Maytag laundry set just the cat’s pajamas, even though your old Whirlpool set still works well? Does your old Macintosh stereo wall-shaker seem a bit long-in-tooth when you catch sight of the new Manley Steelhead equipment? (Man, you deserve a Manley! And, “yes” answers fail this question.)
Now, for the “I” test, and it begins with the “Big I, little u” question. Do you require people to earn your approval before favoring them with your acceptance? That’s actually a trick question, because if you are the “Big I,” you won’t admit to treating people that way. In fact, you’re sure to think of at least a dozen others with that problem. (Hint: Each person you know to whom this applies counts against your score.)
The second half of that question is: Do you grudgingly defer to those in authority over you, deeply believing that if you were in charge, you wouldn’t make their stupid mistakes? Do you feel deference should flow only one way: toward you? (Hint: Please answer “no,” and mean it.)
And the third half(?) of the “I” test: Do you feel you actually deserve to always know the complete skinny, the straight dope, the inside story, of whatever you involve yourself with? (Hint: Do you want the straight dope? If yes, you failed this one, too!)
These tests are pass/fail, and they’re not graded on a curve. As I suggested above, you probably won’t know your excuses haven’t worked and you’ve failed the test, until you find yourself running the fifty-yard dash into the pit designed for the devil and his angels.
But, if you’re among the fortunate few who correct your spiritual vision in time to turn away from your self-centered perspective, the fifty-yard dash you run will be straight into your Savior’s arms. And don’t worry, you won’t knock him over.